Bipolar Disorder puts its sufferers at a unique disadvantage/advantage compared to their neurologically normal peers. At the end of the day those with Bipolar Disorder live their lives out of synch with their peers. While our peers are hustling to get that next promotion, we can not drag ourselves out of bed to shower. While our peers are sleeping soundly, we are manically shopping on eBay or cleaning the already clean house. When arriving at Disneyland to enjoy the "happiest place on earth", our sense of doom and gloom cannot be eased by all the parades and songfests combined. Not even Mickey Mouse can make us feel better.
Imagine if you will, a highway with all manner of vehicles being driven along its thoroughfares. Whilst on the highway the accepted speed in America is carefully maintained by the drivers between 55-75 miles per hour (give or take 5 miles per hour). The flow of traffic proceeds basically without incident because everyone is able to maintain this speed range (and usually without much thought on the part of the drivers).
Now imagine you are in a car that cannot stay within the parameters that your peers on the highway are so effortlessly maintaining (ie: traveling at 55-75 miles per hour), but instead your vehicle without warning begins to decelerate on its own. You are still pushing the accelerator but the car is dropping in speed - 60,55,50,45,40,35,30,25 - until you are limping along at 25 miles per hour. With no exit in sight you are panicking ! The other drivers on the road are honking, screaming, and gesturing at you in all manner of disrespectful and demeaning ways. What to do !!
When you finally find an exit, and roll into a car mechanics place of business, your sense of relief is overpowering. Until the mechanic tells you there is nothing he/she can do for your car. Apparently the problem you are having is a permanent feature of this car, and all he/she can do is give you a temporary fix to get you to your next destination. This fix may or may not work for your car, it may work for only part of the trip, and it may cause other malfunctions in your vehicle. So here you are on a 500 mile journey with your friends and family to enjoy everyones favorite vacation spot, only now the vehicle you are traveling in has a permanent problem.
Initially everyone jumps in with sympathy and help, albeit with grumbling from the kids and mild exasperation from parents trying to maintain their traveling schedule. So back onto the highway everyone goes with excitement at reaching the vacation destination.
At first everything seems to be fine. Whatever the mechanic did it is working, the car is responding well, and you are keeping up without incident. The passengers in your car, breathe a sigh of relief and go back to their hand held games, text messaging, and watching the latest movies. All is well and everyone is anticipating what fun being on vacation at their favorite spot is going to be.
Then the unthinkable happens. Without warning the SUV begins to speed up. Slowly at first, imperceptibly, but definitely going faster. You begin to ease off the accelerator, but the speedometer is still increasing -70,75,80,85,90- You remember the mechanic mentioning that your car might experience other malfunctions from the fix he applied, and now your worst fear is realized as you apply the brakes to no effect ! Careening down the highway (and alerting the other family members and friends you are traveling with of your predicament) you head for the nearest shoulder where you are forced to turn the car off to get it to stop before you cause a major accident.
Those you are traveling with are relieved no one is hurt, and are understandably concerned about you. While you call a towing service (thank goodness you have AAA coverage for such things) everyone regroups to decide the best strategy for all concerned. It is decided you will stay with the car (since you cannot junk it and buy a new one due to the recent passage of a universal law that says all cars must be driven until their estimated life time is fulfilled), you are stuck with "car duty". Everyone else wants to continue with their much anticipated vacation plans, so those who were riding with you (your family) divide up into other vehicles to continue the trip. You wait under the darkening evening sky for your ride to the next car dealership to get the needed repair work done.
Now you are alone with your vehicle to muddle through the explanations offered by a host of mechanics at the dealership to which you were taken. No one here has ever seen this problem before, (well except that one time, several years ago) and quite frankly don't know what to do for you. The first thing they do is change what the former mechanic said was wrong with your vehicle, and give it a thorough examination before deciding on a new diagnosis. Although the new diagnosis has a different name, the facts remain the same. Your vehicle has a permanent problem with its accelerator causing it to decelerate or hypercelerate without cause and most often without warning. ("Damn that new law" you say to yourself). The best we can do is give you this device to apply to the accelerator when it is decelerating and hope it works. As far as the hyperacceleration, well that is a particularly difficult problem. We have checked your brakes, replaced the brake fluid, and made sure your emergency brake is working, your only other option is to do what you did and pull over to manually stop the car by turning it off. "Good luck" they say, and hand you a bill for $2012.53.
So now you return to your travel plans in what looks like a perfectly normal SUV. Only you know it isn't normal, and that without warning it can betray your best laid plans to take care of your responsibilities and duties in life. Your feeling of the unfairness of life is overwhelming. " Why oh why did I have to get this vehicle!! Of all the SUV's on the lot and I got the lemon!"
For some of us with Bipolar Disorder we know how this story continues and eventually ends. Friends and family sympathize with our dilemma and agree that it isn't fair. But life does go on for them, and since they know we cannot be counted on to deliver on promises we make (through no fault on our part, mind you) they start making plans "around" us, or sometimes, without us. The next car trip, (in the above analogy) they plan without my vehicle being included and since no one has room in their vehicles for me and my family, we are just not invited.
