My journey in my Bipolar vehicle has taken a decidedly hopeful turn for the better. I am thrilled and almost surprised that I managed to find a way out of the almost nightmarish life I was living with Bipolar Disorder.
So let's journey forth to see what has happened in this past year since I first launched this blog.
I launched this blog when I was still in the throws of constant severe mood swings. I have never been manic, but the deep relentless depressions have more than made up for what ever I have missed on the manic side. My particular brand of Bipolar is heavily weighted on the depressed side with only mild seasonal hypomania (during the summer) when I am not medicated. Prozac however, can make me hypomanic year round !
So that is the "bipolar" part of me. But just like you, I am not just a one dimensional person. I have many facets to who I am. An important facet is how my brain is wired a bit differently from my neurotypical peers. "What?" you might ask "are neurotypical peers?" Neurotypical is the word used by the autistic community to describe those who are not autistic. I was diagnosed as a young child after a thorough medical evaluation trying to determine why I was behaving so differently from my peers. The conclusion was succinct "genius with borderline autism".
So in addition to being bipolar I am also on the autistic spectrum. This complicates things immensely, but in some ways, makes it easier. One of the real advantages for me of being "on the spectrum" is my ability to remember anything I have read or seen. If my eyes see it, my brain remembers it. In addition to a prodigious memory (not savant, just really good memory) the autism has wired my brain to be able to hyperfocus. Hyperfocus is the lovely ability to utterly block out any and everything for long lengths of time while working on a project. I can hyperfocus for hours, sitting perfectly still reading volumes of material. This has been especially helpful to me as I have researched treatment options for the bipolar. (There are no good treatment options for an adult with autism ~ I am wayyyy too old for "early intervention" ~ lol)
But it isn't all good news with the autism for me. I also have the characteristically extreme sensory sensitivities that seem to be experienced to some degree by everyone on the autistic spectrum. I have hyperacute hearing AND I cannot bear noise. Even normal noise is too much for me. I must have silence to work. No talking, no TV, no music, no running water, no extraneous noise, nothing. I can only work in utter silence. I cannot bear to have anything touch my hands. I wear no rings, can't stand getting my hands wet, I pet my animals with gloves on, open boxes wearing gloves. I wear gloves to do everything. I am also highly sensitive to light, temperature, the texture of food, and smells. I cannot bear visually busy areas. There are places I will not go both IRL and online just because they are too visually busy for me. If I am subjected to too many of these sensory things at the same time, I will go into sensory overload.
You don't even want to know what sensory overload is like. It feels like your brain is literally short circuiting. I can almost see and feel the sparks (like fireworks) going off inside my head. The crash is brutal and can take days, weeks or even months to fully recover from. But if you were to meet me, you would never know. I look (and act) utterly normal. I am very responsive and can easily carry on a conversation.
My sensory sensitivities can trigger my bipolar, and the bipolar depression can make my sensory sensitivities even worse. So it is a vicious cycle with each condition aggravating the other.
But even depression has it's upside. In the milder depressions it slows my brain down to be able to thoughtfully consider ideas for treatment options. There is a depth to the thinking that just isn't possible without that small dose of depression. So it is anybody's guess whether the bipolar/autism is an advantage or disadvantage. On any given day it can be one or the other or both.
After my most recent severe crash and subsequent treatment for 22 months with psychotropic medications (medications used to treat psychiatric conditions), I was determined to find a better way for myself. I decided to harness the abilities autism had given me to tackle the problem of the bipolar mood swings.
So dear reader my next post will begin to explore how an autistic/bipolar woman (of a certain age) managed to find a way to live that works for her.
